Instant and permanent

Permanent things aren't made instantly

All these time I have been thinking so much about everything happened
Why would I give up someone that I used to feel so damn special at first
I even lost faith in love
like
everything seemed perfect
he was good and everything was good
except me
I just felt that something wasn't right there

It sucks to hurt someone you used to love
But then I realize that people move on way easier and faster than you can imagine
And I was just being too cruel to myself for hesitating so long to let things go

So after the break up I started to doubt myself
Is it my problem
Am I not supposed to get into any relationship at all
Since even though the guy made me feel special at first
I'm still gonna feel like running away and giving up after few years
If I meet the next guy that make me feel special as well
Is it gonna be the same fucking cycle
I don't want cycle
My life is not meant to repeat the same shit
So I kept thinking
Trying to find out what was the problem and how can I avoid it next time

Then all I could conclude was that
That was just not the right person
We got together way too soon
Two dates are definitely not enough to know somebody well
But we wanted instant relationship so we got together
And believed that as long as we love each other,
we can overcome all other problems

And then there was another main problem
the distance
Although technology helped a lot in keeping us in touch
But everything we experienced was so different
and the gap was magnified after years
The way I changed
The way you wanted me to change
The way I think about the world
The way you think about the world
These are the core
The core of our mindset
The core of both of us that never clicked
Sorry to say that but yea we never clicked
We never had any deep conversation
Because I couldn't even start it
The gap was so big that I didn't know how to start it
Maybe this was also why I got pulled away by Edw back then
Because he was closer to my core
and made me feel that finally I found someone that understands me
or at least slightly understands me

And then I realize that if it's the wrong person
no matter how hard you try to maintain the relationship
If you don't get a guy that has a similar mindset as you
He's not gonna be your soulmate
Even though you guys did all the couple thingy
Hold hands, kiss, sex, travel together
Constantly keeping in touch, sharing everything in life with each other
If you don't click at the deepest part of your soul
It just wouldn't work
Maybe other people can tolerate with this
Some people just want someone to accompany them in their life
But not me,
I can't imagine myself being together with a guy that doesn't understand me at all for 30 years
I can't

So the lesson I learned was that
Never get into a relationship just because the person makes you feel special
Feeling special can be one of the reason
But definitely can't be the only reason for you to start a relationship
Because it ain't gonna work for 30 years by just feeling special to the person at the start
Take more time to get to know the person
Try to get to know he or she more at the deeper level
Find someone with similar core values as you
Someone that really understands you
Take time to look at all these before getting into a relationship
Because when you are in the relationship
You killed your chances of reaching other guys out there
You will be forced to work with the person you chose
So choose wisely
Take it slow and choose wisely
If you want something permanent
You need to put in effort from the start
Include choosing the right one to work with

This time
I'm gonna take months to years to evaluate
before I get into next relationship

Don't wanna experience the sucky feelings of giving up people that I chose anymore

Even though it's gonna take years for me to get ready
I don't mind
take it slow
I don't want something instant anymore
I can't trust instant thing anymore
haha